Fear Stalks, as It Usually Does

THIS UNDATED RENDERING shows what an Inuit igloo might look like if it were fitted with armor and a remote oxygen supply, such as might be desired by a terrorist bent on assassinating former General Petraeus and melting down all of his decorations for use in the manufacture of soft-tipped bullets. Some experts on weapons of mass destruction say that the manufacture of such bullets are often the first step toward wanting to produce nuclear weapons.  This sketch was provided by a nation that monitors terrorists but demanded not to be identified in exchange for providing top secret information.  The nation may or may not be across the Bering Sea from where Inuits live, but reportedly can be seen from Sarah Palin's porch.  A spokesman for the nation said this sketch proves that the structure exists, somewhere, but refused to confirm or deny that its location is near the Bering Sea. Meanwhile, the sales of whaling harpoons were reported to have increased in Siberia, which may or may not be within range of whatever weapons Inuit terrorists would use, if there were Inuit terrorists.  A former high official in the United Nations refused to say whether the UN believed there were or were not any Inuit terrorists. Rick Santorum said that, since Inuits are known to engage in s-e-x, they could very well engage in terrorism as well.  Inuits the AP attempted to contact refused to answer their  phones because they were too busy engaging in what are popularly called "nooners" in that culture.  Santorum prayed for them.  George W. Bush said, "Be afraid.  Be VERY afraid." (An AP exclusive)

Saratoga Update: Halifax Backs Off

Here, courtesy of various correspondents, is an update on the Saratoga Herald Tribune situation that was the subject of a recent Pianist post:


Following a 45-minute meeting this afternoon between Michael Redding, chief executive officer of Halifax Media Group, and Sarasota Herald Tribune staffers, publisher Diane McFarlin announced that the controversial non-compete clause in new employment agreements would be scrapped.


From: McFarlin, Diane
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 6:04 PM
To: STHQ-Sarasota Users
Subject: good news

Everyone:

Michael Redding has decided to waive the non-compete clause and the family relationship policies for all existing employees. In other words, you have been “grandfathered in.” This means you do not have to sign the non-compete agreement and, if you are working in the same department as a spouse, sibling or other immediate family member, you can continue to do so.

I am sure there will be more information forthcoming, but I wanted you to receive this news immediately.

It should be noted that these policies will apply for all new hires going forward.

Thanks to all of you who participated in today’s town hall. Clearly, Michael heard your concerns and considered them carefully.

Onward!
Diane

     *     *   *

Redding met with the Sarasota staff for 45 minutes and plans to visit the three other Florida papers now owned by Halifax tomorrow.  The first question he took up, as relayed to him by Publisher McFarlin:  What about the non-compete clause?

"We want to pour money into your career," Redding said, "and as you get better, what we are not interested in is you becoming our competition.  We want you to have long careers . . . and I'm sure many of you have been here 10, 20 years.  It isn't that you don't trust us, that isn't it at all.  To the point that someone who is here now, and let's say in the next 30 days or the next 60 day you sign the non-compete and then for some reason your job isn't here, the last thing we're going to do is tell you that you can't go get a job here.  We're going to rescind that non-compete.  That's just not fair, that's not how I would do it, that's not how we think."

Half an hour later, clarification was sought that the contract would be waived for the first 60 days (Halifax is also installing a 60-day probation period for all employees).  "We have agreed with the [New York] Times that anyone no longer with the company within a certain period of time that they will receive a severance package paid in the same manner as the folks that we didn't hire at close.  So that piece is there.  The second part is, as we are evaluating this, we're getting questions and we want to be responsive to those questions.  We want to re-evaluate if 60 days is the right number, maybe it is 90 days, maybe it is 120 days.  We're looking at that.  We want to make sure that you have confidence in what you are signing.  This is not a grab people, pin them to the ground and take advantage of them -- that's not the purpose of this document.  I'm looking for feedback . . ." 

       
         *   *   *
OK. FEEDBACK: Odd, isn't it, how a bit of light in a dark corner causes creatures of the night to scamper?

End the Wine Wars! God Bless Our Troops!

Oenophile alert!  Rosé alert!  National security emergency!

Ignited in the blogosphere, the debate over which wine to serve with bovine excrement  has burst into flame across the country.  (See our Cousin Blog, A Bordello Pianist. http://bordellopianist.blogspot.com/

According to a recent study by the nonpartisan Corporate Reports About Politics, 99.4% of the American diet consists of bovine excrement. With so many people consuming ordure, the question of the appropriate wine to serve with it transcends mere taste and becomes an issue of the common defense, domestic tranquility and general welfare.

One group of Americans insists that red wine is the proper choice and suggests especially a Syrah (aka Shiraz).  An equally vocal and determined group insists that white wine is the proper accompaniment and suggests especially Sauvignon Blanc (aka "house white").

Radical subdivisions have developed:  On the red side are advocates of Chianti, Merlot and Pinot Noir with a recent surge of support among Catholics for Grenache, especially  Chateauneuf du Pape.  On the white side, which includes most members of the so-called Tea Party, are the advocates of Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay and White Grenache, a recent favorite of fundamentalist Christians.

Since this nation thrives under uniters, not dividers, it is important  for oenophiles and gourmets to hold an open debate, preferably on C-Span, and settle the issue.

The CRAP study notes that while bovine excrement can be prepared in many different ways, depending largely upon the season and where it was harvested, virtually all recipes call for the use of garlic. (A subcult of ramp fanciers has produced a cookbook of its own, but nobody outside of Tennessee uses it.) To avoid wasting time with vegans like Dennis Kucinich, CRAP recommends that the national  wine - and - bovine - excrement debate be limited to discussion of wines that are compatible with garlic.

Several senior oenophiles, who spoke  on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the issue, said privately that a national referendum on the issue may be necessary to resolve it.

This is, after all, a democracy.  Full of shit, yes, but a democracy.

Time to Tell the Truth About. . .Time

The New Mexico Society for Truth About Time (STAT) has completed its annual spring secession from New Mexico and attached itself to Arizona.

STAT performs this ritual every year.  It's a matter of principle.  Arizona does not lie about its time.  Arizona operates on the time dictated by Nature, by the  Sun, and by the atomic clock at Greenwich.

At 2:01 a.m. last Sunday, the clocks in Arizona said 2:01 a.m.  Elsewhere in this insane country people pushed the hour hand ahead one hour.  If you are not in Arizona, and a clock says it's, oh, noon, for example, it's not really noon.  But if you are in Arizona, and the clock says noon, you know it's OK to chow down.

STAT will thank Arizona for its ongoing integrity and reattach itself to New Mexico when this Daylight Saving Time idiocy ends next fall.

Why are we always saving daylight?  Does daylight go on life support every spring and need to be "saved?"  Did we squander all our daylight at some mysterious point in the past, so that now we have to start saving it in order to repay the debt? Why "save" time?  We're so far in debt we ought to be saving money, but no, we keep throwing good money after bad till our deficit is in the trillions, yet here we are saving daylight instead of dollars.  Go figure.

Speaking of debts, how can you arbitrarily take an hour away from me at some date in the springtime?  It wasn't yours to take!  It was mine; my precious hour of natural sun time, monitored by the atomic clock at Greenwich; you and the thieves in government  who went along with this DST scam had no business meddling with it.

You may or may not know what happened in Ankh-Morpork when they messed with the clocks, and if you don't know, go read "Thief of Time," or I'll save you the trouble by just telling you it sure wasn't good.  Sooner or later, mankind will pay the price for this daylight time nonsense, and it sure won't be good for earthlings, either.

Those of us who live in New Mexico and pay attention were fortunate to have the great writer Tony Hillerman reminding us of the dangers of being "A Thief of Time." It took the best efforts of both Joe Leaphorn and Jim Chee, plus a good bit of luck, to resolve that crisis.  Lots of p eople wound up dead before Joe and Jimmy straightened things out.

Some may ask, "Who cares if a bunch of kooks secede from New Mexico over daylight savings time?  It's good for the farmers."

Well let me tell you, a farmer and rancher is the former chairman of our group. She even got herself elected to the state legislature so she could vote against daylight time, but the vast right-wing conspiracy outvoted her.

But daylight time saves energy, you might reply.

What?  I'm supposed to believe that your Hummer will burn less gas because you pushed the clock ahead an hour?  Your air conditioner will use less electrical energy because you're lying about what time it is?  Give it up already!

The facts are plain.  "Fast time," as some people call it, is nothing but a perversion of nature.

And you know what happens to perverts.

Bombin' fer Jesus

How about them Jesus-scopes the guys are usin' over in Eye-rack and Assgannystan!

Outfit in Wixom, MI, makes 'em for our military to use on infantry weapons.  Each one has a little Bible verse on it.  Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!

Like, one might say, "2COR4:6," which means chapter 4, verse 6 of the Second Epistle of Paul to the Corinthians.  "For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ."

They don't say so, but I guess the manufacturer figures it makes the shooters more accurate if they use a Jesus-scope instead of some other, non-Biblical scope.

If Dick Cheney had one on his weapon that day in February of 2006 when he dang near offed his hunting partner, they sure as heck have covered it up good.

Maybe this Michigan outfit -- its name is Trijicon -- is onto something good here.

You wouldn't need no code to put entire Bible readings on bigger weapons.  Take them drones they're flyin' over from Assgannystan into Packystan to kill Al Qaedas which is in hiding over there.  They're big enough you could put  the whole New Testament on there if you didn't use real big print like say, in the Reader's Digest.  Wouldn't have to use real teeny print, neither, like on your health insurance which won't  cover you if you're sick.  Just kind of normal, readable print and I'll bet you'd get the New Testament on there with room to spare for maybe, oh, say, one of Pat Robertson's shorter prayers for another earthquake in devil-worshippin' Haiti.

Fellas who make them drones, which is said to kill about 50 or so women, children and goatherds for every Al Qaeda, could take real pride in their work knowing they're sending them Ayrabs to meet their Allah by way of a Jesus bomb.

What Investment Banks Do

The Blond saw me reading the Wall Street Journal in the coffee shop the other day and sat down next to me.

"Hey," she said, "I didn't know you were a financial expert."

"Well," I said, modestly, "I wouldn't consider myself an ex-. . . ."

"And so," she interrupted, "I'll bet you can answer this question that's been bothering me."

"Which is?"

"Well, everybody's mad because the big investment banks are giving billions of dollars of bonus money to the executives that caused all the trouble on Wall Street.  But what exactly do investment banks do?"

I assumed my Scholarly Mien, cleared my throat, and said:

"Investment banks work for companies and governments by issuing and selling securities, both equity and debt, and. . . ."

"Oh, goody," The Blond interrupted.  "How much do you suppose I could get for my maxed-out Visa card?"

"Doesn't qualify.  If you were General Motors, say, or Fannie Mae. . . .But please permit me to continue.  Investment banks sell credit default swaps; help companies go public, merge or make acquisitions; handle divestitures; package and trade derivatives and all kinds of securities -- fixed income, foreign exchange, commodity and equity securities.  Let us suppose that you were a major target.  The investment bank would work up a pitch book and. . ."

"Sweetie pie, you're losing me.  I'm a blond after all.  If they buy debt but won't buy my Visa card debt, what good are they?"

"That would depend on whether you were a client of the buy side or the sell side.  The front office would decide that.  Then they'd get information from the middle office regarding principal risk, macroeconomics, hedge exposure and otherwise capture accurately the exposure risks.  Then  the back office. . . "

"That must be the one with the escape door for when the front office is full of people who are mad as hell about the bonuses, right?"

"Not exactly.  In the back office they data-check trades, maintain information technology and create the Chinese wall between. . .."

"Enough already," she exclaimed. "I just don't get all this technical stuff, and I certainly don't know from Chinese walls!"

"OK," I said, "try this.  Say you've got a lot of money.  Casino Jack comes around and says, 'You should put that money to work.  Invest it in Las Vegas.'  But, you say, I don't know anything about blackjack or faro or roulette.  'Not to worry,' says Casino Jack, 'just give me all your money and for a modest fee I will invest it for you because it just so happens that I am an expert at faro and roulette and blackjack as well as many other such forms of investment.  If we win, I will of course deduct another modest fee before giving the winnings to you and making you rich beyond your wildest dreams.'  But, you say, what if we lose?  And Casino Jack, he says, 'Honey, "we" don't lose.  "You" lose and I go out and find another sucker.'"

The Blond shouted, "Now I get it.  Investment banks are like Casino Jack.   They gamble with other people's money.  As long as people keep giving them money, and they sometimes win, every thing is fine.  But if they lose, and people don't give them any more money, they go out the back door to the government and get more money and start the game all over again."

"Bingo," I said.  "This time she's got it!  Who said Blonds are dumb?"

The Visit

Bill Clinton visited the Oval Office the other day.

"Barry," he said. "You've moved the desk."

"No," the President said, "it's right where I found it when I moved in."

"Way to the right of where I had it," Mr. Clinton said.

"Looks to me like it's smack dab in the center," Mr. Obama insisted.

B.C.: "We could call in an intern to measure."

B.O. "No interns!!  Basketball is the preferred sport around here these days."

B.C.  "Whatever.  I came around to offer some advice."

B.O.  "Advice?  But you almost got impeached!"

B.C.: "Only after I'd won a second term."

     (Thoughtful pause.)

B.O. "What's your advice?"

B.C. "Keep an ear to the ground and find out what the Republicans are proposing.  Then offer it as if it were your idea.  That trick always worked for me."

B.O.: "Bill, the Republicans don't propose anything these days.  They oppose everything."

B.C.: "Well, Barry, your numbers are going down fast.  You've got to do something. Voters don't like the way you're handling the economy, foreign policy, health care."

B.O. "But I've got Geithner and Summers and the team working night and day on the economy.  Bush left the big banks needing a bailout.  Now they're showing a profit."

B.C. "A promising start, but. . ."

B.O.: "And I just won a Nobel Peace Prize. . . ."

B.C. : "For not being Bush. . ."

B.O. : "Talk about promising starts!"

B.C.: "Baucus, Nelson and Lieberman seem to have taken over the health care issue. . ."

B.O.: "Well, you turned it over to your wife, and that sure didn't work."

B.C.: "Speaking of Hillary, what's she up to these days?  Chelsea says her Mom travels a lot."

B.O.: "That's what Secretaries of State do, you know."

B.C. "Oops!  Plumb forgot she isn't in the Senate any more."

B.O.: "Anyway, you said you came to offer advice."

B.C. "Well, when voters are angry, I always found it's a good tactic to create a diversion.  Why don't you invade a Muslim country?"

B.O.: "Bush tried that and you know what happened to his numbers.  Isn't there any other kind of diversion?"

B.C.:  "I could check with Bob Rubin but he already works for you.  Doesn't Gates have any advice?"

B.O.: "He says he's got his hands full with Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, North Korea. . ."

B.C.: "There's always Panama, but you need something that plays better in Peoria."

B.O.: "There must be some way to divert public attention from the shortcomings of the government ."

B.C.  "Well, there is one thing. . . . Do you know what a thong is?"