A Tale of Villainy

Jill woke up in a hot sweat.  The bedroom was like an oven!

"Jack," she called,  nudging her sleeping companion.  "Jack, the air conditioning has gone off!"

But the creature emerging from the bed next to her wasn't Jack at all.  It was the villainous pirate, Cap'n Trade!

"Yo ho ho," he snarled, "and a bottle of Squirt. I've made your gadget be inert!"

With a leer and a laugh he disappeared, in a cloud of smoke, in the direction of Somalia.

Shaken, Jill went to the kitchen to fetch a cup of black coffee.  Jack was already there, cursing at their $2,400 Jura Capresso Impressa S9 One-Touch Coffee and Everything-Else-maker.

"Damned thing doesn't work," he said.

"But Jack," she wailed, "it's only two months old."

Cap'n Trade sailed into the kitchen on a cloud of hot air.  "Yo ho ho and a common scold," he sang.  "Your electric bill is four months old."

"Our power's been cut off!" Jack exclaimed.  "But we just paid our bill."

"Skyrocketing energy costs," Cap'n Trade sneered.  "Each time you pay, you owe four months' more."

"But that's . . . that's fascism!" Jack shreiked.

"Yo ho ho," Cap'n Trade roared, "and a black-face Momma.  You can thank President Obama."

"Jack, oh Jack," beseeched Jill. "What will I do without my air conditioner and my $2,400 Jura Capresso Impressa S9 One-Touch Coffee and Everything Else-maker?  I fear I shall just. . . die!"

"Never fear!" a voice shouted from above, and a fresh, cool breeze swept into the kitchen, blowing away the villainous pirate.

"Zounds!" cried Jack with joy.  "It's Bat Boy Beck!  He's come to save us."

"Oh, Bat Boy, Bat Boy, kind sir," Jill cried out.  "Will you restore my air-conditioner and my expensive Republican coffee maker?"

"Not exactly," Bat Boy said, "but I can take you to a really cool tea party!"