End the Wine Wars! God Bless Our Troops!

Oenophile alert!  Rosé alert!  National security emergency!

Ignited in the blogosphere, the debate over which wine to serve with bovine excrement  has burst into flame across the country.  (See our Cousin Blog, A Bordello Pianist. http://bordellopianist.blogspot.com/

According to a recent study by the nonpartisan Corporate Reports About Politics, 99.4% of the American diet consists of bovine excrement. With so many people consuming ordure, the question of the appropriate wine to serve with it transcends mere taste and becomes an issue of the common defense, domestic tranquility and general welfare.

One group of Americans insists that red wine is the proper choice and suggests especially a Syrah (aka Shiraz).  An equally vocal and determined group insists that white wine is the proper accompaniment and suggests especially Sauvignon Blanc (aka "house white").

Radical subdivisions have developed:  On the red side are advocates of Chianti, Merlot and Pinot Noir with a recent surge of support among Catholics for Grenache, especially  Chateauneuf du Pape.  On the white side, which includes most members of the so-called Tea Party, are the advocates of Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay and White Grenache, a recent favorite of fundamentalist Christians.

Since this nation thrives under uniters, not dividers, it is important  for oenophiles and gourmets to hold an open debate, preferably on C-Span, and settle the issue.

The CRAP study notes that while bovine excrement can be prepared in many different ways, depending largely upon the season and where it was harvested, virtually all recipes call for the use of garlic. (A subcult of ramp fanciers has produced a cookbook of its own, but nobody outside of Tennessee uses it.) To avoid wasting time with vegans like Dennis Kucinich, CRAP recommends that the national  wine - and - bovine - excrement debate be limited to discussion of wines that are compatible with garlic.

Several senior oenophiles, who spoke  on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the issue, said privately that a national referendum on the issue may be necessary to resolve it.

This is, after all, a democracy.  Full of shit, yes, but a democracy.