A Melon-choly Tale

Long-time residents of places like East Dubuque, Fulton, Morrison, Clinton, Mt. Carroll and even Sabula no doubt remember when teen-agers considered it great fun to steal watermelons from patches around Thomson, IL.

 In fact, the commission of at least one such prank was a rite of passage for pre-teens in those and other small, nearby Illinois and Iowa towns.  It wouldn't be a stretch to guess that young Dutch Reagan, as, say, a sophomore or junior at Dixon High School,  might have pilfered a melon or two from the Thomson patches. All you needed was a pal with a car, a bit of chutzpa and license to stay out late at least once a week, preferably on a moonless night.

Brace yourself.  Terrorists are on their way to the old melon patch.  Well, not exactly to the melon patch.

The Fed is buying an underused state prison at Thomson to house some of the Bush administration's Guantanamo "terrorism" detainees.  It's part of President Obama's plan to close down the infamous prison. He wants terrorism suspects transferred to American soil so they can be tried for their suspected crimes.

Republicans, of course, are against the Thomson move. GOP Rep. Mark Kirk, who is seeking Obama's old Senate seat, said he believes moving Guantanamo detainees to Illinois will make the state a target for terrorist attacks.

"Look at all those watermelons," he said.  "Do you think for one moment that al Qaeda doesn't know they're there?  Pilferage is one thing.  Imagine the carnage when an entire cell of Muslim terrorists descends on those fields!  The seeds alone would cause a public health problem."

Sen. Roland Burris, D-Ill., said he had "full confidence that the (Thomson) facility will hold these terrorism suspects safely and securely." In a statement, Burris said that with Illinois struggling with 11 percent unemployment, the transfer will be "a great economic benefit to the state by creating over 3,000 well-paying jobs and bringing in valuable federal dollars to fund local facility operations."

Three thousand jobs?  They're only planning to transfer about a hundred Gitmo detainees to Thomson.  That's a ratio of 30 federal employees to every suspected terrorist. Consider also that of the first 500 or so actual trials of accused terrorists since Sept, 11, 2001, there have been fewer than 50 convictions on terrorist or national security-related crimes. So it's likely there aren't any more than 10 actual terrorists among the Gitmo 100 heading to Thomson.  They could, of course, be made to earn their keep by tending watermelon patches. 

Let's see. . . .the prison has to be brought up to what one Washington official called "super max security status."  In a government that's been known to pay a million bucks for a single hammer, what do you suppose the bill will be for the prison upgrade?  Then consider the salaries for those 3,000 new jobs at the prison.

Queries were sent to the State Department, Defense Department, Justice Department, Homeland Security Department and the Directorate of National Intelligence -- the agencies that made the joint announcement about Thomson -- to determine how many watermelons would have to be grown at Thomson and sold to pay the costs of the Gitmo transfer.  None of the agencies responded.

However, on condition of anonymity, a source deep in the bowels of the General Accounting Office  said the number was "in the billions."

"And that," he added darkly, "doesn't even take into account the pilferage factor."

Couldn't we save a lot of money by trying all of them now, and letting the innocent go free?, he was asked.

"What?," he replied. "And glut the watermelon market with surplus government melons?  Where's your sense of free market rectitude, boy?"