Robo-Companions

Life was so lonely before they invented robocalls.

Night after night I would sit quietly by the fire, with nothing to do but read good books and listen to great music.

Now, thanks to robocalls:

* I hear regularly from Bishop Ramirez, reminding me that if I vote for political candidates who support a woman's right to make her own health choices, I cannot receive communion. I don't belong to his church and never wanted to receive communion,  but , hey, at least somebody cares enough to call me, and frequently!

* My congressman calls me frequently, too.  He ignores my letters on issues that are important to me, but he calls me every time he plans to visit my town to listen to constituents.  He has a nice voice on the telephone, even if it is recorded.

* My old pal Newt Gingrich stays in touch.  He's really, really concerned that my country is going to pot.  He says low-cost health care for everyone would be bad for me, because it would be socialism.  Newt's recorded voice is even nicer than my congressman's.

* The governor cares so much about me that he calls often to tell me to vote his lieutenant governor into office when his own term expires.  After all, they were exonerated of those nasty corruption charges. His voice is sort of twangy but that's a welcome change.

* Michael Steele calls me from time to time to assure me that if I will just send him $100 or more, he will see to it that the Obama Agenda goes down to humiliating defeat.  I don't tell him I sort of like the Obama Agenda because he might quit calling me and then I'd be lonely again.

* Veronica of Timeshare Village Sales wants to be sure I know that she's simply panting  to talk to me about a charming little condo on a lake in Idaho.  Or was it Wisconsin?  Anyway she pants in a most charming manner.

*Somebody named Ron or Bob who talks really fast shouts to me that I don't have to wallow in credit card debt, or any other kind of debt, because he can help me be free of bothersome telephone calls  if I call him back right away at the phone number he rattles off so fast I can't jot it down. No 'bothersome' telephone calls?! I guess he doesn't understand what it's like to be lonely.

Then there's . . . .oops!  Phone's ringing.  Gotta run. . .

It's about time for Charlton Heston to call again.  People want to take away my guns and he won't let them.  I never told him I don't have any guns because he's got a really, really nice voice and I'd hate never to hear it again.